New to the game of Rugby? Want a bit of advice? We'll start our lessons in Rugby with some of the frequently asked questions that have been sent in by our avid readers.

Neil B of Leicester asks: I want to play rugby but do not know what position to go for. Can you help?

The Bridge rugby Guru says: First you must decide whether you are a forward or a back. In football the forwards are the fast, skilful ones who score the points and the backs are the big vicious ones who try to injure forwards. In rugby it is the complete reverse. Except that is in New Zealand where everyone is fast, big, skilful and vicious.

It is usually decided by weight. If you are four stone overweight for your height, you’ll be a forward; two and a half stone overweight and you’ll be a back. Once you have decided where your allegiance lies, you must insult the other group at every opportunity.

Lawrence from hospital asks: I think I would like to be a Number 8. What does this position involve?

The Bridge rugby Guru says: This is the one who pushes in the middle of the back row and locks the whole pack together, hence the name. The number 8 also stands at the back of the lineout. This involves standing waiting for the ball to bounce off the flailing arms of the second rows and fall into his arms…one of the more impressive moves in the game. You are supposed to push in the scrum, control the ball coming out of the scrum and even sometimes pick it up and run with it (unless the scrum half gets hold of it first, of course). As part of the back row you are also expected to run round the pitch tackling people. However most number 8s ignore such nonsense and stroll round the pitch at about the same speed as the second rows

Ideally you will be at least 6`6” and a wiry 14 stone although watching most games suggest that 5`8” and podgy is more common.

Mr Magoo from Moorfields asks: Can you tell me something about being a referee before I contact the Referee Society?

The Bridge rugby Guru says: You should not volunteer for this position but it is important to understand the role. Rugby referees are nothing like the meek, inoffensive lot you get in football or tennis. They are a bad tempered, touchy bunch that would give a penalty for parting your hair on the wrong side (Law 2,954, Para 76g, sub clause 14e: “No player shall enter a maul with hair combed in any direction other than that which the referee deems correct”)

Players should never argue with the ref. The only time a ref will change his mind is when he begins with a severe reprimand, thinks better of it and sends the player off. A ref should never be challenged. Instead players will restrict themselves to saying, “Is this 10 sir?” in a tone that suggests they are saying, “Your mother was a baboon…and an ugly one at that”

Andrew F from Tunbridge wells asks: Should I accept the captaincy of my local team?
The Bridge rugby Guru says: The naïve may think it is a great honour to be asked to be captain. Put all such thoughts from your head. Captains like all good heroes are supposed to lead by example. This means that your team-mates will expect you to catch the ball cleanly, run and tackle – all the things that any sensible player tries hardest to avoid. You will also be expected to buy the first round at every club event, buy the ref a drink after the match and talk to him politely about his awful decisions, which cost your team the match. My advice would be to demur modestly and suggest the person you like least in the team be given the honour. That’ll teach him.

Warren G from Waikato asks: What is a scrum?

The Bridge rugby Guru says: Scrums were invented before body armour was all the rage as the only was for forwards to keep warm on cold days. This is why they spend most of their time telling the backs what hell it is in there in case they want to come in as well.

To fully understand the scrum you must learn some basic technical terms.

Against the head: The ball is put in by one team and comes out in the possession of the other. Normally caused by the hooker kicking the ball forward instead of hooking it backwards. Well, hookers are not very bright. Why else would they become hookers in the first place? It is also the sign for bluffing props on the other side to immediately start claiming that they hooked it.

Back row move. This is where the open side flanker and number 8 both try to pick the ball out of the scrum at the same time and clash heads. At the same moment the blind side flanker runs 20 yards in the opposite direction, turns round looking puzzled and says, “ I thought with that call we went blind “

Wheeling. The ruling bodies have introduced over the years a number of laws to ensure that scrums last much longer than they did before. Every time the scrum wheels i.e. goes round and round you start again. Scrums can now keep going for up to half an hour with right ref. Some scrums wheel so much and so quickly that the forwards get dizzy and have to sit down for a minute.

 

Next up is a glossary of rugby terms to help you have more of an understanding of the game.

Forwards : large players who do not run around

Backs : marginally thinner players

Pitch : a piece of open ground where, it is said, grass grows in summer. Traditionally used to exercise dogs.

Maul : something the All Blacks do

Ruck : an informal, impromptu get together for forwards and a few friends.

Scrums : a formation invented to keep forwards warm on cold days.

Pass : when one player drops the ball when trying to throw it to another player

Tackle : when one player with the ball runs into another player

The Positions - How to pick a position ?

The first thing to do is to decide whether you are a forward or a back. In soccer, forwards are the fast, skilful ones who score the points and the backs are the big, vicious ones who try to injure the forwards. In rugby the situation is completely reversed. That is except in New Zealand where everyone is fast, skilful, big, and vicious.

Our first in-depth look at positions centres on the front row.

The Props ( Nos 1 & 3)

Officially there are two props in every team but as it is the one position where you are not allowed to retire until 50, there is usually a surfeit.

Their job is basically quite simple (which on the whole suits their personalities) They stand either side of the hooker and hold him up. However to listen to props you would soon gain the impression that propping, as a science, is only slightly less complicated than landing on the moon. They are also required to stand near the front of the lineout
and assault anyone in the opposing team foolish enough to jump.

Props can be virtually any height from 4`8 to 6`3, aged between 20 and 60 although over 40 is most common. The common denominator is that they will be, without fail, from five to fourteen stone overweight. This is based on the theory that the other side will tire quickly pushing that much fat about. Because of their weight problems they are excused running, tackling or jumping. If they get involved in a ruck or maul it is usually by accident.

After any game props are easily identified. They talk a language of their own and will only ever be seen talking to other props or hookers. As the only part of the game they see is the scrum, they think that is all that happens in a game. A prop can come off the pitch after you have been stuffed 98-0, convinced that you won because he lifted his opposite number twice and “took one against the head”.

Bridge props : Jules Porter. Andy Findlater, Brian King, Gareth Stoten and Tony Lawlor

The Hooker ( No 2)

The hooker is the poor sod who is stuck right in the middle of the scrum and is supposed to hook the ball back to his scrum half. If you listen to props however you will discover that his attempts are superfluous as they do it for him. The hooker is also expected to throw ball in to the lineout which requires the ability to interpret the calls and hand eye co-ordination. As the hooker is usually suffering from concussion within ten minutes of the start of the match this is very optimistic.

The position is usually filled by someone who is too slow or too fat (usually both) to play anywhere else. This is the one position where you are not allowed to get injured as it is highly unlikely there is anyone else stupid enough to play there. A hooker with a broken leg is expected to hop to scrums shouting “ Its alright. I`ll strike with the other one”.

Hookers should be as short as is humanly possible and should not be vain about their appearance. In fact the uglier the better both to frighten then opposition and to hide the horrendous injuries to the head.

Bridge hookers : Steven Wright, Jules Porter, Ollie Smith

 

Next month we'll bring you an insight into the engine room of the pack and tell you what life is like for a second row player. We'll also be focusing on the back row as well.